6 weeks 5 days – my first scan

So today was my scan at the fertility clinic. I’ve been so anxious about it and I’ve thought of everything that could possibly go wrong.

The last week has seemed endless.

So here they are. Our twins

I saw both heart beats. One is slightly ahead and the other slightly behind but both in the normal range.

They are scanning me again on 28th then after that I’m discharged from the fertility clinic and just have normal services. I’m already booked into the midwife on 3rd October and my regular person scan will be at around 13 weeks.

I don’t know how people don’t go insane waiting from when they take their pregnancy test to 13 weeks without any idea what’s going on.

So far my symptoms aren’t too bad. My boobs hurt like crazy and occasionally I feel nauseous but not enough to put me off food. Yesterday I really fancied buying a chicken and mushroom pot noodle, throwing all the noodles away and drinking the juice. Not sure why. I haven’t eaten a pot noodle since I was a student. I didn’t buy one but it was a bit odd.

Otherwise I’m feeling good. Tired but good.

I still can’t believe I’m having a baby let alone two.

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5 weeks 4 days

The last few days I’ve felt slightly nauseous. Not enough that it effects my day but just now and again. It’s not consistent and happens at different times of the day. I also have moments when I feel really really hungry.

I’ve found it comforting that I’m feeling something and keep hoping it’s a good sign.

My sisters were both very sick in their pregnancies and it worries me that I’m not the same. My mum however had no sickness at all so I know everyone is different.

I’m now also a NHS patient and get my medication on prescription with is a lot cheaper. I also need to pick up my midwife pack and get booked in for my midwife appointment between 9 and 11 weeks which all seems surreal.

I still need my scan at the fertility clinic on 14th September. It seems like such a long time away and I’m not sure if I’ll go mad by then.

This morning I had some spotting. As soon as I saw it my heart sank. My anxiety levels have increased and I’ve been waiting all day for the worst to happen. However so far just some spotting when I go for a wee. It started after my morning pessary so I’m hoping my pessary just irritated me. My clinic have said light bleeding is common and not to worry. Both my sisters had spotting and my mum had what she thought were periods for the first few months she was pregnant with me.

I’m hoping I can stay positive but I felt like I’m waiting for something to go wrong.

4 weeks 6 days

I still haven’t had much in the way of pregnancy symptoms. I’m light headed every so often and occasionally have a watery mouth but so far there’s been no sickness. I still don’t really feel pregnant. I wake up every morning at 5am feeling hot and needing a wee but that is it.

Naturally I was therefore convinced that it’s all going wrong. Last time my second blood test revealed that I was having a miscarriage and I was convinced the same would happen again.

Yesterday was my second blood test and I’ve been dreading it. I cried in the car on the way for the test as I thought it was all over.

Normally my clinic rings back with any blood test results before 2pm. The only time they rang after this time was when I had the miscarriage when they rang me at 4pm. I therefore decided that they ring late with bad news as the doctor must have to review the results. So 2pm came and went and there were no results. I was an anxious wreck by this point.

At 3pm my wife text to say she’d got hold of the clinic and that they were busy but everything is fine, they will ring with the results soon. What I found out after was that she’d been ringing them repeatedly since about 1.30pm but the nurses weren’t available. In the end the receptionist told her not to worry and everything was fine as she’d checked.

They finally rang just before 4pm. Obviously I had just gone to the toilet and missed the call. I got an answer phone message saying all is fine don’t worry and asking me to call back.

When I spoke to the nurse she confirmed all is going well. My hcg number is just over 2000. She did give me the exact figure but I was so shocked that it was over 2000 that I forgot the rest. I was then booked in for my scan on 14th September when I’ll be just under 7 weeks pregnant.

I feel like it’s all a dream at the moment. I still can’t quite believe it is real. Hopefully I can get through the next two weeks without being too much of an anxious mess.

4 weeks 2 days

So I’m 4weeks and 2days pregnant.

So far I haven’t really had any pregnancy symptoms. I wake up every night at 5am having a hot flush and I’m tired but otherwise feel no different to usual. I’ve also been moody however I’m normally moody like this just before my period arrives.

I have however been anxious about everything. Last time I was so excited to finally be pregnant that I never considered miscarriage would happen. I know it happens but I suppose I didn’t think it would happen to me. However this time I’m waiting for something to go wrong.

I have to keep reminding myself that if I hadn’t had ivf and was pregnant naturally then my period would only be two days late and most people wouldn’t have tested yet. Just because I haven’t got morning sickness or anything yet doesn’t mean things are going wrong.

I’m trying my best to be calm and I’m practicing mindfulness every day. I’ve also booked into acupuncture tomorrow so hopefully I can ease some of my anxiety.

My follow up blood test is on Thursday morning which seems like forever away.

Bfp

So it’s confirmed. The clinic did a pregnancy test which was positive which was a good start. My bloods were taken and they called a few minutes ago to confirm my hcg results were 189. It’s lower than last time but they are happy with the results. I also have to remind myself the test is a day earlier than last time.

I just have to stay relaxed now and hope that my levels keep increasing, which is easier said than done

8dp5dt – test day

So today is test day. One day early due to the bank holiday.

I decided to do a home test this morning and was awake on and off since 5am. I finally got up at 6.

Here is my test – please excuse my pj’s.

I was convinced it hadn’t worked. So sure it would be negative. Last time I was so excited to see a positive however this time I just burst into tears and couldn’t breathe. I think I was shocked.

I still can’t believe it’s positive.

My clinic appointment is at 10 and hopefully it will confirm things.

I’m scared this will end but I’m going to try and enjoy every moment I have. I still can’t believe this right now

5dp5dt

After my last ivf I was pretty positive. I finally had a reason why I wasn’t getting pregnant (natural killer cells) and was on the medication to help. I felt positive in myself and believed this could actually work. A few days before I tested I looked at myself and thought you are pregnant. I dismissed it as stupid but in the end I was. However it wasn’t to last.

However this time I’m not positive. I’m not negative particularly but more indifferent. I suppose it’s my minds why of protecting me. It’s easier to lose something when you are indifferent to it. That sounds horrible but that’s how it feels.

Normally ever twinge or feeling I take as a sign I’m pregnant but this time I just shrug them off as medication, which from experience is normally what they are.

I feel bad for feeling like this. Like this will negatively effect the outcome but I can’t seem to shake the feeling off. I just don’t feel pregnant in any way.

4dp5dt

So 4days on and I haven’t felt much.

As my test was positive last time I keep trying to remember how I felt so I can compare. I reread my blogs from last time and I didn’t feel any different at this point so that has reassured me a bit.

I’ve only got to wait until Friday for my results so it’s not that long. However this is the worst part. I’m trying not to get my hopes up too much. I suppose I’m trying to protect myself if this doesn’t work.

I had a busy weekend which has done me some good and kept me from worrying. It was my birthday so I had friends visit and we went out for some nice meals and a nice walk. I had booked a cocktail high tea with my friends months and months ago but the place did me some lovely mock tails and made them look beautiful so I didn’t feel left out.

Today I have decided to have a lazy day and just relax, read and watch rubbish TV which is a nice treat for me. I’m just going to enjoy the day off and make the most of it.

Transfer day

So here I am at transfer day. My sixth transfer in five years. My file at the clinic is so large that every time someone lifts it up I make a joke about it.

My last two frozen embryos both defrosted OK and are now hopefully dividing away in my womb. One is a 5 day blastocyst and the other a day 6.

I seem to have some transfer day rituals. These have gradually increased and I’m to scared not to do them just in case. Especially as the last transfer resulted in a pregnancy.

So yesterday evening I had a bath. Seems to help me relax and sleep better so I do this every time. I also shave my legs and wash my hair so it’s all sorted and I do not have to worry about it in the morning. I have also got into the habit of having poached egg and avocado on toast as my pre transfer breakfast with a beetroot smoothie on the side. I read somewhere that beetroot is good for the blood and supports implication. So it’s become the random thing I drink the morning of transfer. I popped a lucky crystal in my pocket and off we went.

When I write this down it makes me laugh. I’m sure none of this ensures a pregnancy.

The clinic originally wanted me back to test on Tuesday 29th (our wedding anniversary). My day 14 is the Saturday but they do not test over the weekend and Monday is a bank holiday. However they have now decided to test on day 13, which will be the Friday. Apparently in a few cases this is to early to test and it’s not reliable but that’s rare so I should be OK.

So I have a just over a week wait so it shouldn’t be to bad.

Week four of ivf meds

So I’ve made it to week four. I’m no longer feeling really ill so it’s possible I had a bug that just happened around the time I increased my tablets. I still feel a little sick and so tired but I normally feel like this on my medication. The clinic are therefore happy that I continue on my current medication.

My scan today was all good. My lining is 9.4, which is good. Last time at this point it was 9.5 so I’m on course for a nice thick lining. As everything is looking good it means today was my last suprecur injection and the progesterone pessaries start tonight. Transfer will definitely be Thursday lunchtime as long as my two embryos defrost. Fingers crossed.

So far I feel OK. Work is very busy and I have a lot to do next week but I’m trying not to stress out. I feel OK about the transfer. I know what to expect. I’ve been here many times before.

I think I’ll become more stressed if I actually become pregnant. Now I have experienced miscarriage, that is my worst fear. The ivf not working I can cope with, but getting pregnant only for it to end was devastating. I thought of that happening again is terrible.

So right now I’m just going to take care of myself and I’m going to look forward to having some time off work after transfer.