Jealousy 

So yesterday I had a case of the green eyed monster. My friend is a week further on in her pregnancy than I would have been if I hadn’t had a miscarriage. She was talking about her scan and the bits she has ready for when the baby comes, and so far so good, then she told me her babies name. It was the name I had chosen, my poor babies name, my baby that will never get to be born. My friend had no way of knowing. I’d told no one. Only me and my wife knew that this was going to be our babies name had it been a girl. But of all the names in all the world my friend has picked this one. 

Of course I smiled and said what a beautiful name it was but inside I felt broken in two. My friend already has children. I do not, yet here I am without my baby, without the name I’d picked for her and it that moment I felt jealously against my friend and anger at the world for being so unfair. 

I hate it when I feel like this. I hate that I find it so hard to be pleased for my friend just because she gets a baby and I do not, but I accept its part of me. Part of this process. Infertility is cruel, it changes you in many ways, some good and some bad. I hate that I hide this all away as I think this is the right thing to do. 

Ivf number 6

My period came this morning exactly on time. I’m back to a 29 day cycle which is my normal and so my next ivf can start. 

This will be ivf number 6 (frozen transfer number 4) and I have decided this will be my last ivf transfer. If this doesn’t work then my wife will take over and have the next treatments. It feels odd that if this doesn’t work that this is it for carrying a baby, but my body has been through so much it feels like the right decision. 

My suprecur should start 3 weeks today and I will need to go in for my endo scratch and get my blood tests. I’ve written all the medication I have laying around the house down so I can tell the clinic today so the right amounts get ordered. So if all goes well transfer would be in around 6 weeks. Depending on how I react to the suprecur as sometimes I act odd. 

I so far feel OK about all of this however there’s that part of me that’s scared. Part of me that’s worried I’ll miscarry again and how I will cope with that happening again. I don’t think that worry will ever go away. I’m sure even if my wife gets pregnant in the future I’ll be a nervous wreak waiting for something to go wrong. 

So here’s to ivf number 6. My fingers crossed for this one. 

Update on my last month 

 I always find during ivf treatments I do not feel like socialising. When your on medication and your tired and moody, going out isn’t always what you want to do. There’s also the drinking issue. As soon as you say your not having a drink everyone thinks your pregnant. 

So the last month I’ve been making up for neglecting my friends. I’ve been out for nice meals, drank procecco in pub gardens and been for posh afternoon teas. I have also spent quality time with my wife. Walking miles around London drinking the most extravagant cocktails, as you do. 

Sometimes infertility takes over your life and I’ve needed this space to reconnect to myself and to recover and find some peace. I’d originally wanted to get right back on the ivf horse but I’m glad I’ve given myself some time. 

We’ve decided to have our next frozen egg transfer in August so I have another 6weeks before any meds start. The thought of doing this again does still make me a little anxious but I’m working on limiting my stress as much as possible. I don’t think I could ever eliminate all the stress and anxiety that comes with ivf. I’ve had so many disappointments my mind finds it hard to believe that positive things will happen. 

I have tried my first fertility massage last week. I’ve read about it over the years but there was no one near me practising it. However I’ve now found someone 5 miles away that does it. She was so good. She did visualisation as part of the massage and was such a spiritual person. She really put me at ease. So I’m going back again before the next transfer. I’d really recommend it. 

Otherwise my preparation is nothing special. I already eat well and take multivitamins. I already so to acupuncture and practice yoga. I’m just going to continue in the run up to ivf number 6.

So many changes 

My emotions have been a little crazy the last two weeks. Reflecting on everything it’s clear why but I feel so guilty about feeling sad. 

You’d think I’d learn. When I had a chemical pregnancy after ivf number 4 it took over 3 months for me to feel like me again. Yet here I am expecting to be normal already without going through the processes. 

Things have been busy in my life with lots of changes and I know I need time to adjust and adapt. 

It was only February when my ivf treatment started. I knew then the job I was doing would end and I’d return to a lower paid one due to a restructure at work but despite the lower pay we worked out we could still afford a baby. Fastward a month and I’m in my two week wait and I find out I can apply for a higher paid job at work. Before I know it I’m pregnant and have an interview all booked in. Feel massive guilt about going to a job interview pregnant but decide to try anyway. 

So one interview out the way and the next day I have a miscarriage. End up asking my fertility doctor and psychologist if the inview caused the miscarriage. They both said no. I know deep down it didn’t but needed to ask anyway. 

I get the job and have to get through people congratulating me while I’m devastated. Less than two weeks later I’m doing my new job. Meeting my new team and I hardly have any time to process what’s just happened. 

My old team knew what happened but as a new person I get asked do you have children over and over in the first week. 

So now the dust is settled I have time to think and all I can think about is babies. I have odd dreams about babies, they are crying but I can’t get to them for many reasons and for some reason lots of dreams about dead animals, mainly baby animals. 

So I’ve decided I need to just let myself go. If I’m sad, cry or if I am angry, scream because all this carrying on regardless is probably why I’m having messed up dreams. Let’s see how this goes. 

Period deja vu 

My periods have always been fairly regular. 28-30 days except for after ivf treatments and fibroid operations when the went a bit all over the place. Thankfully they always went back to normal in the end. 

When I was a teenager I had really bad flu, so I ended up missing my period that month.  My body therefore decided that I needed two periods the following month. My body is kind like that. 

So after getting pregnant and miscarrying I went 11 weeks between periods (not including the miscarriage bleed in between). So lucky old me, I’m having two periods this month. You’d think my body would give me a break. Just hope it goes back to once a month after this. 

Tears

So yesterday my period came. I thought I’d be excited about this knowing I could have ivf again when my body returned to normal but instead I’ve found myself very teary. 

I’ve managed on the most part to keep the tears at bay in public but every so often I find myself sat on the toilet crying. 

Yesterday we’d planned a night out with friends. I step out of the taxi only to get my heel stuck in a lose slab and fell on my face. Tears just fell down my face. To most onlookers I was most probably drunk (I really wasn’t, I’d had one prosecco at this point). So all dignity was lost. Grief it seems comes at anytime and anywhere. 

I also found out my friend is pregnant. My wife has a good track record of guessing when people are pregnant and has been saying our friend is pregnant for weeks. My sister outright asked her yesterday and she’s about 2 weeks further on than what I would have been. My sister text me straight away so I could be prepared for our friends big reveal. She’s planning on telling everyone next week. I’m pleased my sister did this as I could digest this slowly and prepare myself mentally for when my friend tells me her news. 

I am always pleased when people tell me they are pregnant but it just reminds me what I haven’t got and I find this so hard. However I am very good at hiding this. I have definitely had a lot of practice over the last five years. 

I’ve also done a lot of thinking about our next ivf. I was initially keen to start as soon as I’d had two periods however I’m rethinking this and may wait a little longer just to heal and prepare. I’ll see how I feel next month when my period comes then. 

Subject not to be discussed 

Last week at a family meal my sister asked me about our future ivf plans. We were discussing my periods or more to the point the lack of since my miscarriage when my mother in law told us to stop talking about such things at the table. She wasn’t talking about periods, they were OK, but miscarriage. She said those things are to sad and shouldn’t be discussed. 

I felt angry for a moment followed by sad. I know my mother in law had an ectopic pregnancy when my wife and her brother were teenagers and I’ve never heard her talk about it. My wife only knew of it years later when my father in law mentioned it. It made me sad that she feels this is to never to be discussed. 

It made me think about miscarriage and how so many people keep it to themselves. Talking about my own meant a lot of people started discussing their’s and I found it helpful to discuss it. Knowing I’m not the only one and that this is something that does happen to lots of people,  in all different situations, has helped me to stop blaming myself. Also I have spoken to people that both had children after miscarriage and those who never did. Knowing that either way it gets easier has supported me in my recovery.  

My mum struggled with infertility with her first husband and spent 18 years trying for a baby. She always was honest with this when me and my sisters were little. We knew how wanted we were and I know I will discuss my infertility struggles and miscarriage with my children if I have any.

Update 

On Wednesday I had a appointment with my fertility consultant. He’s happy for me to have another frozen embryo transfer once I have had two periods,  however if my periods aren’t normal he’d prefer me to wait longer. I am keen to have treatment as soon as I can, but my wife is unsure. My wife is more in touch with her emotions whereas I’m more practical. I feel like I need a plan and something to aim for whereas she works through all the emotions in stages. 

It’s been over four weeks since my miscarriage bleeding started and I’m waiting for my period to return. I’ve never wanted a period to come as much as I do right now. I’m moody so fingers crossed it’s on its way. 

I’ve decided this will be my last treatment. I have two frozen embryos left and I have decided to have both transfered once I’m able. I’ve been doing positive visualisation and some mindfulness so I can keep calm, but knowing this is my last chance does put some pressure on. 

What’s next

It’s been two and a half weeks since I started bleeding because I was having a miscarriage. The last few days I have had incredibly sore boobs, cramps in my legs and have been so so tired. I have also been incredibly moody. I am hoping this means I’m ovulating or my period is coming. I feel like I need to get back to normal as soon as possible. I’m fed up with being tired. 

I’m booked in to see our ivf consultant on 12th April and I’m hoping I can try again pretty quickly. I have just two frozen embryos left and I’ve decided that using them will be my last try. Emotionally, physically and financially I do not feel like another round of ivf is right for me. It’s five and half years of fertility treatments and investigations and I feel like it’s now enough. 

The two embryos left are a day five and day six blastocyst and they were the worst two of the four we froze but are still OK quality. I’ve heard stories from others who got pregnant with their last frozen embryo so you never know. 

If the last two embryos don’t work my wife will try donor insemination. I’ve always wanted to be pregnant and she isn’t so sure. Her periods have always been odd and she’s had gynie issues on and off for years. She’s also petrified of giving birth. I’ve joked that on paper I looked like the best bet. My periods are regular and I am rarely ill yet I’ve bet she’ll get pregnant first try. Hopefully she will. 

This week

This week I’ve felt exhausted. Physically and emotionally drained. 

I’ve been holding it all together and to the outside world I’m doing just fine but it’s exhausting just getting through the day. Thankfully the bleeding from the miscarriage has stopped. I had a horrible moment on Thursday where the bleeding had almost stopped but then came back with a vengeance. I bleed through two pads in an hour and had to ask around the office if anyone had an extra large one so I could walk to the shop to buy more. Thankfully it stopped later that evening. 

On top of all this I got a fine for accidently driving in a bus lane and then my wife motorbike was stolen. I started to think I might be cursed. 

So I booked in for a full body massage as my body hurt so much. It was bliss. I also booked into my fertility clinics free counselling service. I’d really recommend this to anyone going through the ups and downs of infertility. It’s nice to talk to someone whose impartial and I know I’m a person that pushes everything down hoping it will go away. Talking it through forces me to let myself feel things. 

However I did get some good news this week from work. I’ve managed to secure a permanent position at a higher level. So maybe I’m not really cursed after all . I have had to deal with lots of people congratulating me all week which has been surreal. There’s nothing like smiling and nodding while people keep congratulating you while your devastated about losing a pregnancy. However I have told some people which has made it easier to deal with. 

Hopefully next week will be easier