Ups and downs

Today I had to return to have another blood test to make sure my hcg level were back to normal.

I’ve had three previous ivfs and never had hcg in my blood before. It was always just a negative test. I just assumed I would have the test today and everything would be back to normal but no apparently not.

My hcg levels were 12 last week and 13 this week. The clinic have confirmed there’s no chance it’s an ectopic pregnacy as the levels are the same and to low but can’t really tell me why it’s not gone away. So I’m back again next week.

It feels odd. I’m trying to grieve but have the constant reminder that I have to keep going back to have blood tests. I also have the longest period ever that is showing no sign of going. I don’t know how I feel and my emotions are all over the place.

I knew my mum had a chemical pregnancy once. She was unable to have children with her first husband and they had some fertility help, such as it was back then. We talked about it today. She told me she didn’t find out it was a chemical pregnancy until she was 12 weeks. She also told me that she had had a miscarriage . She never told me that before.

I’ve always known me and my sisters were really wanted and knew my mum waited 18 years before having us when she meet my dad when she was 39.

Knowing how hard the last five years have been I really admire my mum for never giving up after all that time. She said she never gave up on having children even when she was 38 and divorced. I just hope I can keep positive like she did.

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