Remembering what could have been 

After finding out the pregnancy had ended on Tuesday everything has seemed surreal. I feel such a sense of sadness mixed with numbness. 

I was lucky work let me have compassionate leave on Wednesday so I didn’t have to take sick leave. I decided to go back to work Thursday but did less hours than normal which helped me ease back into things. 

I decided I wanted my team to know what had happened so one of the other managers told them before I arrived so I could have some space without questions or people bombarding me with work stuff. My team are lovely and really looked after me. Miscarriage seems to be so common and there seems to be so many people who have been through it. Knowing that and being able to talk about it really has helped. 

The worst bit strangely was waiting for the bleeding to start. I know this sounds awful but I felt like I was carrying death around with me. A constant reminder that the baby in my belly was gone. 

I saw my acupuncturist on Thursday evening. She wouldn’t let me pay for the treatment and listened to me talking about it all. I found the acupuncture really helpful. While I was laying there I felt a feeling like pressure releasing and then a feeling of peace. Afterwards I went to the toilet and I’d started bleeding. 

I thought I’d find the bleeding distressing but I have instead found I’m more relieved. I can see an end to the physical side of this and I can then concentrate on the mental side. I’ve had some pain but nothing more than really bad period pains and paracetamol and a hot water bottle seem to help. 

We decided we needed to do something to mark the pregnancy and what could have been. We went for a walk next to the reservoir near our home the day before we found out I was pregnant. We decided to go back there today and placed some white tulips on the bank. I needed a place of remembrance. I know I can go there and look at the water and feel at peace and think of the life that could have been 

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6 thoughts on “Remembering what could have been 

  1. I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this. My miscarriage was last August and was incredibly hard. Have you heard of mizuko kuyo, the Japanese ceremony to mark miscarriages and other similar losses? We got one of the little statues and happen in our garden. The world we live in those little to help us honor what has happened, so I found this very comforting, and even found a Buddhist temple side of the city that has a Jizo Garden just for this. http://www.npr.org/2015/08/15/429761386/adopting-a-buddhist-ritual-to-mourn-miscarriage-abortion

    Liked by 1 person

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