Tears

So yesterday my period came. I thought I’d be excited about this knowing I could have ivf again when my body returned to normal but instead I’ve found myself very teary. 

I’ve managed on the most part to keep the tears at bay in public but every so often I find myself sat on the toilet crying. 

Yesterday we’d planned a night out with friends. I step out of the taxi only to get my heel stuck in a lose slab and fell on my face. Tears just fell down my face. To most onlookers I was most probably drunk (I really wasn’t, I’d had one prosecco at this point). So all dignity was lost. Grief it seems comes at anytime and anywhere. 

I also found out my friend is pregnant. My wife has a good track record of guessing when people are pregnant and has been saying our friend is pregnant for weeks. My sister outright asked her yesterday and she’s about 2 weeks further on than what I would have been. My sister text me straight away so I could be prepared for our friends big reveal. She’s planning on telling everyone next week. I’m pleased my sister did this as I could digest this slowly and prepare myself mentally for when my friend tells me her news. 

I am always pleased when people tell me they are pregnant but it just reminds me what I haven’t got and I find this so hard. However I am very good at hiding this. I have definitely had a lot of practice over the last five years. 

I’ve also done a lot of thinking about our next ivf. I was initially keen to start as soon as I’d had two periods however I’m rethinking this and may wait a little longer just to heal and prepare. I’ll see how I feel next month when my period comes then. 

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