My emotions have been a little crazy the last two weeks. Reflecting on everything it’s clear why but I feel so guilty about feeling sad.
You’d think I’d learn. When I had a chemical pregnancy after ivf number 4 it took over 3 months for me to feel like me again. Yet here I am expecting to be normal already without going through the processes.
Things have been busy in my life with lots of changes and I know I need time to adjust and adapt.
It was only February when my ivf treatment started. I knew then the job I was doing would end and I’d return to a lower paid one due to a restructure at work but despite the lower pay we worked out we could still afford a baby. Fastward a month and I’m in my two week wait and I find out I can apply for a higher paid job at work. Before I know it I’m pregnant and have an interview all booked in. Feel massive guilt about going to a job interview pregnant but decide to try anyway.
So one interview out the way and the next day I have a miscarriage. End up asking my fertility doctor and psychologist if the inview caused the miscarriage. They both said no. I know deep down it didn’t but needed to ask anyway.
I get the job and have to get through people congratulating me while I’m devastated. Less than two weeks later I’m doing my new job. Meeting my new team and I hardly have any time to process what’s just happened.
My old team knew what happened but as a new person I get asked do you have children over and over in the first week.
So now the dust is settled I have time to think and all I can think about is babies. I have odd dreams about babies, they are crying but I can’t get to them for many reasons and for some reason lots of dreams about dead animals, mainly baby animals.
So I’ve decided I need to just let myself go. If I’m sad, cry or if I am angry, scream because all this carrying on regardless is probably why I’m having messed up dreams. Let’s see how this goes.