My emotions have been a little crazy the last two weeks. Reflecting on everything it’s clear why but I feel so guilty about feeling sad.
You’d think I’d learn. When I had a chemical pregnancy after ivf number 4 it took over 3 months for me to feel like me again. Yet here I am expecting to be normal already without going through the processes.
Things have been busy in my life with lots of changes and I know I need time to adjust and adapt.
It was only February when my ivf treatment started. I knew then the job I was doing would end and I’d return to a lower paid one due to a restructure at work but despite the lower pay we worked out we could still afford a baby. Fastward a month and I’m in my two week wait and I find out I can apply for a higher paid job at work. Before I know it I’m pregnant and have an interview all booked in. Feel massive guilt about going to a job interview pregnant but decide to try anyway.
So one interview out the way and the next day I have a miscarriage. End up asking my fertility doctor and psychologist if the inview caused the miscarriage. They both said no. I know deep down it didn’t but needed to ask anyway.
I get the job and have to get through people congratulating me while I’m devastated. Less than two weeks later I’m doing my new job. Meeting my new team and I hardly have any time to process what’s just happened.
My old team knew what happened but as a new person I get asked do you have children over and over in the first week.
So now the dust is settled I have time to think and all I can think about is babies. I have odd dreams about babies, they are crying but I can’t get to them for many reasons and for some reason lots of dreams about dead animals, mainly baby animals.
So I’ve decided I need to just let myself go. If I’m sad, cry or if I am angry, scream because all this carrying on regardless is probably why I’m having messed up dreams. Let’s see how this goes.
yeah sometimes you just need to let it all out and have a big cry. I’ve had days where there’s been an unexpected pregnancy announcement or something at work and I just try to hold it together till I get home. I hope your new team members are nice x
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Thankfully they are very nice. I always find you need to cry at the worst times
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I understand these tough times as I have gone through IVF.
Tried to share some useful information in my blog related to IVF that may help those who are facing infertility problems.Here is my blog,
http://ringmindspower.com/ivf/
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