Jealousy 

So yesterday I had a case of the green eyed monster. My friend is a week further on in her pregnancy than I would have been if I hadn’t had a miscarriage. She was talking about her scan and the bits she has ready for when the baby comes, and so far so good, then she told me her babies name. It was the name I had chosen, my poor babies name, my baby that will never get to be born. My friend had no way of knowing. I’d told no one. Only me and my wife knew that this was going to be our babies name had it been a girl. But of all the names in all the world my friend has picked this one. 

Of course I smiled and said what a beautiful name it was but inside I felt broken in two. My friend already has children. I do not, yet here I am without my baby, without the name I’d picked for her and it that moment I felt jealously against my friend and anger at the world for being so unfair. 

I hate it when I feel like this. I hate that I find it so hard to be pleased for my friend just because she gets a baby and I do not, but I accept its part of me. Part of this process. Infertility is cruel, it changes you in many ways, some good and some bad. I hate that I hide this all away as I think this is the right thing to do. 

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5 thoughts on “Jealousy 

  1. It’s not your fault you feel this way. It makes total sense. I think you are being so brave just managing to be around your pregnant friend right now. A lot of other people in your situation would probably run a mile. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I hope you are really looking after yourself. I’m glad that you are allowing yourself to feel this way because you have to put your own feelings and your own needs first right now. Sending hugs xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. It’s my one year anniversary since we found out we were pregnant on cycle 4 and miscarried at 9 weeks…I’m just writing about the name now as a matter of fact…I decided today that I can name that baby that was in me, and for some reason it’s helped. My husband and I now smile weakly when we see babies, it’s not the inspiration/motivation it used to be…

    Liked by 1 person

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