So yesterday I had a case of the green eyed monster. My friend is a week further on in her pregnancy than I would have been if I hadn’t had a miscarriage. She was talking about her scan and the bits she has ready for when the baby comes, and so far so good, then she told me her babies name. It was the name I had chosen, my poor babies name, my baby that will never get to be born. My friend had no way of knowing. I’d told no one. Only me and my wife knew that this was going to be our babies name had it been a girl. But of all the names in all the world my friend has picked this one.
Of course I smiled and said what a beautiful name it was but inside I felt broken in two. My friend already has children. I do not, yet here I am without my baby, without the name I’d picked for her and it that moment I felt jealously against my friend and anger at the world for being so unfair.
I hate it when I feel like this. I hate that I find it so hard to be pleased for my friend just because she gets a baby and I do not, but I accept its part of me. Part of this process. Infertility is cruel, it changes you in many ways, some good and some bad. I hate that I hide this all away as I think this is the right thing to do.