After my last ivf I was pretty positive. I finally had a reason why I wasn’t getting pregnant (natural killer cells) and was on the medication to help. I felt positive in myself and believed this could actually work. A few days before I tested I looked at myself and thought you are pregnant. I dismissed it as stupid but in the end I was. However it wasn’t to last.
However this time I’m not positive. I’m not negative particularly but more indifferent. I suppose it’s my minds why of protecting me. It’s easier to lose something when you are indifferent to it. That sounds horrible but that’s how it feels.
Normally ever twinge or feeling I take as a sign I’m pregnant but this time I just shrug them off as medication, which from experience is normally what they are.
I feel bad for feeling like this. Like this will negatively effect the outcome but I can’t seem to shake the feeling off. I just don’t feel pregnant in any way.
So 4days on and I haven’t felt much.
As my test was positive last time I keep trying to remember how I felt so I can compare. I reread my blogs from last time and I didn’t feel any different at this point so that has reassured me a bit.
I’ve only got to wait until Friday for my results so it’s not that long. However this is the worst part. I’m trying not to get my hopes up too much. I suppose I’m trying to protect myself if this doesn’t work.
I had a busy weekend which has done me some good and kept me from worrying. It was my birthday so I had friends visit and we went out for some nice meals and a nice walk. I had booked a cocktail high tea with my friends months and months ago but the place did me some lovely mock tails and made them look beautiful so I didn’t feel left out.
Today I have decided to have a lazy day and just relax, read and watch rubbish TV which is a nice treat for me. I’m just going to enjoy the day off and make the most of it.
So here I am at transfer day. My sixth transfer in five years. My file at the clinic is so large that every time someone lifts it up I make a joke about it.
My last two frozen embryos both defrosted OK and are now hopefully dividing away in my womb. One is a 5 day blastocyst and the other a day 6.
I seem to have some transfer day rituals. These have gradually increased and I’m to scared not to do them just in case. Especially as the last transfer resulted in a pregnancy.
So yesterday evening I had a bath. Seems to help me relax and sleep better so I do this every time. I also shave my legs and wash my hair so it’s all sorted and I do not have to worry about it in the morning. I have also got into the habit of having poached egg and avocado on toast as my pre transfer breakfast with a beetroot smoothie on the side. I read somewhere that beetroot is good for the blood and supports implication. So it’s become the random thing I drink the morning of transfer. I popped a lucky crystal in my pocket and off we went.
When I write this down it makes me laugh. I’m sure none of this ensures a pregnancy.
The clinic originally wanted me back to test on Tuesday 29th (our wedding anniversary). My day 14 is the Saturday but they do not test over the weekend and Monday is a bank holiday. However they have now decided to test on day 13, which will be the Friday. Apparently in a few cases this is to early to test and it’s not reliable but that’s rare so I should be OK.
So I have a just over a week wait so it shouldn’t be to bad.
So I’ve made it to week four. I’m no longer feeling really ill so it’s possible I had a bug that just happened around the time I increased my tablets. I still feel a little sick and so tired but I normally feel like this on my medication. The clinic are therefore happy that I continue on my current medication.
My scan today was all good. My lining is 9.4, which is good. Last time at this point it was 9.5 so I’m on course for a nice thick lining. As everything is looking good it means today was my last suprecur injection and the progesterone pessaries start tonight. Transfer will definitely be Thursday lunchtime as long as my two embryos defrost. Fingers crossed.
So far I feel OK. Work is very busy and I have a lot to do next week but I’m trying not to stress out. I feel OK about the transfer. I know what to expect. I’ve been here many times before.
I think I’ll become more stressed if I actually become pregnant. Now I have experienced miscarriage, that is my worst fear. The ivf not working I can cope with, but getting pregnant only for it to end was devastating. I thought of that happening again is terrible.
So right now I’m just going to take care of myself and I’m going to look forward to having some time off work after transfer.
So since I’ve upped my estrogen tablets from two a day to three a day I’ve felt awful.
I constantly feel sick and tired. I’m so tired yet when I get to bed I can’t sleep because I feel sick. I don’t remember feeling like this last time but I find I forget how I felt each time.
Somehow I’ve got through work today. I’m not sure how. I am hoping this passes quickly and my body gets used to the changes.
I just hope my body is producing a nice thick womb lining. I’m trying to eat healthy food to build up my lining but it’s hard when I feel so ill. Taking the tablets on an empty stomach seems to make things worse so I’m trying to eat a bit when I can.
Even though I feel sick I’ve still put on 5 lbs in weight while I’ve been on the meds, which doesn’t seem fair. I think a lot of it is water retention so I’m hoping it settles down.
Less than 2 weeks until transfer day.
So after my random bleeding on Wednesday I had no bleeding yesterday or today. My clinic did my scan this morning and they have no idea why I bled so much. My womb lining is 5.7 which is what it should be at this point and as long as it’s over 6 by next Friday my frozen transfer will be on 17th August as planned.
So I’m still on track and so far feeling OK about it all.
My wife thinks maybe the bleeding was an emotional thing. It was very similar to a miscarriage when all the lumps came away so she thinks it might be a reaction on my part from the emotions from the miscarriage. A kind of release of all that emotion and pain showing in a physical way so I could move on to this next ivf transfer. I kind of like that thought rather than the thought of what the hell is my body doing.
In a way I’m glad the bleeding happened. I’m glad it’s all come away so I haven’t got odd lumps knocking around in my womb when my embryos are put back.
So I’ve been spotting a bit all this week. My period was 10 days long and even when it kind of finished I was having spotting every morning. suprecur always makes my periods a little longer so I wasn’t to worried. My clinic told me spotting can be common and not to worry unless the bleeding gets heavier.
So today it gets heavier. Lots of red blood that’s full of clots (sorry, gross I know). So I called the clinic and this does not sound good. I’m back in Friday for a scan so they are hoping they can figure out what’s happening. If things aren’t doing what they are meant to then the frozen transfer may be cancelled.
I’m just hoping my bleeding stops and I can continue. This definitely isn’t the best thing for making a nice thick womb lining.
So this weekend I have realised I have been spelling suprecur wrong in all my blog posts. I am rubbish I remembering all the ivf medications and different ivf terms. You’d think it remember after all this time.
I have had a wonderful relaxing weekend which was just what was needed.
My life insurance does great offers on spa breaks and I had some money from a gift, so me and my wife went away for the night. I have had a back massage and facial and I enjoyed sitting in the steam room and jacuzzi.
I’m hoping this may be the last time I sit in a steam room for a while. I also indulged in other things I hope I won’t be doing if the ivf works. I ate some amazing goats cheese on fresh bread, had a small red wine and a lovely coffee. The food was amazing. I had mussels in Saffron sauce and the most amazing raw chocolate brownie.
I also went for my fertility massage this evening. I wish I’d found someone sooner as I find it really helpful. The lady that does the massage said I’m very balanced which is always a plus.
I feel as ready as I can be. I’ve made sure I’ve ordered lots of organic foods in my veg box and I’m making sure I eat foods high in iron so I can make a good womb lining ready for my frozen transfer on 17th August. I’ve done all I can and it’s up to the universe now whether this works. If it doesn’t I know I can survive this.
So I’ve made it to week two on supercur. My period came right on time last Saturday. Supercur can make my periods a bit odd sometimes so to have my period come on day 30 was pretty good. My periods are normally 29 to 30 days anyway. Supercur has done odd things to me in the past so I always worry when my periods don’t come on supercur.
My periods are however always long on supercur. At least that’s one thing I can rely on with all of this.
Today I had my scan to check my ovaries are not doing much and that my lining is thin. Thankfully all was good and how it should be, which was a relief. As all is looking good, I start my estrogen tablets tonight.
I have my plan all written down and transfer will take place on 17th August. It happens to be my birthday weekend. However as I have nice things booked in for my birthday it will be a welcome distraction to not be thinking about ivf and babies all the time. I can chill out with my friends and just be normal.
So physically so far so good. The supercur has made me tired and bloated but otherwise I’m feeling OK.
Mentally I’m also feeling OK. I feel relaxed. I’m booked into a spa this weekend and I have my fertility massage and acupuncture booked in next week. I have been doing my relaxation dvd and trying to limit my stress levels. However I know the nearer I get to transfer the more stressed I will feel. So let’s see what next week brings
So I’ve made it through week one of supercur. So far it hasn’t been to bad. I’ve had a few headaches, which is normal for me on supercur, but I’ve not been suffering from the hot flushes I’ve had previously. I’m sure there is still time however.
I’ve had a great week visiting family and spending a few days at the beach with my wife. The weather hasn’t been the best but I’ve still walked for miles, taking in beautiful scenery. I have also eaten my own body weight in fudge and ice cream, but I feel pretty relaxed right now.
I have a hen night this weekend so I’ve decided what the heck, a few proseccos won’t hurt. Part of me thinks I should be eating well in the run up to my frozen transfer but the other part if me is thinking just enjoy yourself. This week I have felt myself relax and I’ve really laughed. It seems a while since I really let myself go and laughed.
I’ve also been staying in a place with the worst Internet connection and it’s been pretty liberating not checking the Internet all the time. It’s a shame I’m not this switched off in real life.
I’m hoping some of this relaxed carefree me will remain in the run up to ivf number 6. I’m also hoping my period comes in the next few days and we can crack on with this next, and last ivf. Here’s to week two of supercur.