Remembering what could have been 

After finding out the pregnancy had ended on Tuesday everything has seemed surreal. I feel such a sense of sadness mixed with numbness. 

I was lucky work let me have compassionate leave on Wednesday so I didn’t have to take sick leave. I decided to go back to work Thursday but did less hours than normal which helped me ease back into things. 

I decided I wanted my team to know what had happened so one of the other managers told them before I arrived so I could have some space without questions or people bombarding me with work stuff. My team are lovely and really looked after me. Miscarriage seems to be so common and there seems to be so many people who have been through it. Knowing that and being able to talk about it really has helped. 

The worst bit strangely was waiting for the bleeding to start. I know this sounds awful but I felt like I was carrying death around with me. A constant reminder that the baby in my belly was gone. 

I saw my acupuncturist on Thursday evening. She wouldn’t let me pay for the treatment and listened to me talking about it all. I found the acupuncture really helpful. While I was laying there I felt a feeling like pressure releasing and then a feeling of peace. Afterwards I went to the toilet and I’d started bleeding. 

I thought I’d find the bleeding distressing but I have instead found I’m more relieved. I can see an end to the physical side of this and I can then concentrate on the mental side. I’ve had some pain but nothing more than really bad period pains and paracetamol and a hot water bottle seem to help. 

We decided we needed to do something to mark the pregnancy and what could have been. We went for a walk next to the reservoir near our home the day before we found out I was pregnant. We decided to go back there today and placed some white tulips on the bank. I needed a place of remembrance. I know I can go there and look at the water and feel at peace and think of the life that could have been 

The worst news

So a week ago last Tuesday was the happiest day of my life and yesterday was one of the worst. 

Everything seemed to be going well. I’ve felt so happy since finding out I was pregnant. I’ve felt good, a little tired and my boobs have been sore. I had no morning sickness but I read most people don’t until around 6 weeks so I wasn’t alarmed. I went for my blood test yesterday and expected everything to be fine. 

When the clinic rang the nurse asked if anyone was with me so I knew straight away something was wrong. Luckily I was working from home but I was all alone when they told me. My hcg levels are only 48 and that’s it, all over. I need to stop my meds straight away apart from the steroids which I have to come over gradually. I’ve had no signs of miscarriage. No bleeding and no pain. 

I called my wife in a mess and she came straight home. We’d told a few close family members and telling them it’s all over was hard after everyone being so happy last week. 

I’ve not stopped crying and I’ve not been able to sleep. I’ve been over everything in my head trying to figure out why. Trying to figure out if I did something wrong. 

Big fat positive 


So here’s the post I never thought I’d get to write. 

I was convinced things hadn’t worked. I had more pink spotting before bed and was sure my period was coming.

I couldn’t sleep and had strange dreams. In the end I got up at 5.50 am and did my pee sample for the clinic. I did my pregnancy test and was sure it would be negative just like all the other times but it wasn’t. I had to just look at it over and over just to make sure. 

I woke my wife up to tell her and she didn’t believe me. She insisted on reading all the instructions as I’d must have got it wrong but it wasn’t. I was actually pregnant. We were both to shocked to go back to sleep. 

The clinic did their own urine test this morning and confirmed they also had a positive result. We now have two positive pregnancy tests in our baby box. 

The clinic took my blood but the results took several hours to come back. I was told that my hcg levels needed to over 50. Everyone at the clinic seemed so excited for us. Our doctor came to see us between his patients. We were asked if they could text the receptionist as she was on holiday and would be so happy to find out. 

I was given a letter for my gp as some of my medication can now be provided on the NHS. My fragmin can’t yet but can after 7weeks. It cost £95 for the fragmin I need but it’s worth every penny. 

My blood results came back. My hcg levels were 518. I couldn’t believe it. I keep thinking it might be twins. 

I keep thinking this must be a dream and I’m going to wake up at any moment.

9dp5dt

Yesterday I felt terrible. I woke up with the worst period pains and trapped wind. My stomach was so bloated and sore. I had some pink spotting which seems to late to be implantation bleeding so I spent the day awaiting the dreaded AF. Every time I went to the toilet I felt anxious but so far no sign. 

Before bed I had a stabbing pain on my right ovary. I have this every so often and investigations have shown I have a few cysts on my ovaries, but apparently I don’t have pocs. Luckily it eased off after a while but it didn’t help my anxiety. I’m hoping that might be the cause of the spotting rather than my periods on its way. 

Two more days until my test day. This two week wait seems to have been going on for ever. 

7dp5dt

So it’s been a week since transfer. I started off relatively relaxed and normal but as the days go on the more emotional I have become. 

I’ve gone from happy and feeling positive to a angry crying mess. I always tell myself I won’t Google things but every time I do. This is ivf number five and every time I’ve had different symptoms. I’ve been convinced I’ve been pregnant but I haven’t been. It’s always been the progesterone playing tricks on me. Bizarrely last time I had the least symptoms of all yet that cycle resulted in a chemical pregnancy. 

This time things are pretty standard. I’m hot then cold, my boobs hurt and I feel sick now and again. The only difference was a ticking feeling after transfer which I hoped might be implantation but I’ve felt nothing since. 

My dreams are always vivid on progesterone. I had one where I was pushing twins in a pram. Each was wrapped in a white blanket and had little white hats. I woke up feeling so happy. Then the next night I dreamt I was covered in blood. I woke up convinced my period was here. Thankfully it wasn’t but on three ivf cycles my period came before test day so I’m starting to worry every time I go to the toilet. 

I’ve still got to make it to Tuesday. It seems such a long way away. 

Saying the wrong thing 

I was sat with my friend last week when she told me she’d had odd results on a blood test and her doctor was sending her for further tests in case she has cancer. 

I found myself going on about how it’s probably all fine and how mistakes are made on blood tests all the time. It wasn’t until after when I was driving home that it dawned on me that my friend didn’t need me going on about how everything is going to be fine, she needed me to just listen and let her know I’m there for her whatever happens. I did ring her and say this afterwards but I felt like an idiot.

It made me think about the times I’ve told people about the ivf and some of the things people have said. I’ve had to tell people plenty of times that things haven’t worked out with our ivf and I’m just hoping this time is different. However if I do have to do this again then at least my conversation with my friend has put things into perspective. 

Sometimes people say things not because they don’t care but because they do and don’t know what to do or say. The random first thing comes into their heads and before you know it your being forced to drink a cup of tea while someone tell you get pregnant if you just relax or go on holiday. 

To be honest I prefer it if someone tries to help and gets it wrong than people that just don’t say anything at all or the time one of my wife’s friends had a go at her, calling us both selfish and pathetic because she cancelled coming to his party on the day I found out I had a chemical pregnancy. 

3dp5dt

So far I’m feeling pretty good. I have been making sure I go on a small walk everyday so I keep moving and get some fresh air. It’s been raining a lot so I’ve had to time my walks well, which hasn’t completely gone to plan.

I haven’t told many people but I have had a visit from three of the people who do know which has been nice. I’ve also had good luck text messages from others that live further away. 

So far I haven’t had any pregnancy symptoms but I always find the progesterone pessaries give me symptoms, which seem like pregnancy symptoms so I am just going to wait. I have had tickling type sensations on my ovaries, which I normally get when I ovulate, however I should not be ovulating right now. 

I have decided not to test early. The clinic want me back on Tuesday 7th so I’m going to test that morning unless my period comes before. Even if I get a positive result I will only think it’s another chemical pregnancy like before so testing before will probably just stress me out either way. 

In the meantime I’m going to relax and take good care of myself and hopefully take some walks. 

Transfer day

Thankfully my fragmin injection went more smoothly today unlike yesterday. I used the side of my thigh instead of my belly and it was a lot less painful.

The embryologist rang this morning to confirm that both embryos had defrosted and I still have two frozen for future use. My transfer went smoothly and two 5 days blastocysts are now floating in my womb. Everything is now crossed they stick. 

If anyone is reading this who hasn’t had an embryo transfer before the worst bit for me is having a full bladder. My bladder is so weak anyway. My bladder felt like it was going to burst but I made it through and had the biggest wee of my life after. 

I’ve done some Zita West guided relaxation and had acupuncture so hopefully I’m as relaxed as I can be. I have plenty of magazines and I have downloaded lots of books so I’m ready to chill. 

My test day will be Tuesday 7th March so now just got to make it through the dreaded two week wait. 

Evening before transfer 

So tomorrow is frozen embryo transfer day. It seems like it’s taken a lot to get here this time, with my false start back in November. 

This morning was my first fragmin (blood thining)  injection. The leaflet said to inject in your tummy or side of your thigh. I thought my stomach would be easier but I was very wrong. It went in OK then it stung like a million bees. Not quite what I was expecting. 

My wife works in a hospital and told me she thought patients overreact when they are given fragmin. I assured here they do not and it bloody hurts. 

My sister has had fragmin before and told me the side of the thigh is not so painful so I’m trying that tomorrow. 

I also have four steroids to take every morning on top of the HRT, preconception multivitamins, and omega 3 tablets. I feel like I’m running a pharmacy. 

I’m pretty sure I’m as organised as I can be for the morning. I just hope I can sleep well tonight. 

All set for next week

So yesterday I went to the clinic to have a scan to check my womb lining and thankfully it’s 9.5 mm which they are happy with so the frozen embryo transfer will happen on 24th February. 

My last suprecur injection was this morning and the progesterone pessaries start tonight. However I’m not free from injections for long as I start my blood thining injections on Thursday. Remembering all the tablets etc has been a bit of a challenge but so far so good. 

I feel generally prepared and I’m looking forward to having some time off work. I’ve got books and magazines ready and hopefully I will relax. I’ve sorted out some recipes so I can bake as that always makes me feel good. I have also booked in Internet shops so I do not have to worry about shopping during the 2ww. 

I am giving the house a spring clean this weekend so I do not have to worry to much during the 2ww. I have also sorted a cleaning list for my wife. I know I’m a control freak but I find an untidy house causes me stress. 

I’ve just got to get though this next week and try not to stress to much. I just hope my embryos defrost OK and that the blood thinners and steroids make a difference this time. Fingers crossed