On the outside I am a normal functional human being but there are signs all is not as it seems.
Since my ivf failed I have been telling people I am fine a lot. I have been honest and open about the ivf but always finish with its been sad but I’m doing ok. Then off I go doing normal things, juggling work stress with cleaning, seeing friends and general life type stuff. All the while making sure everyine knows I’m fine.
The thing is my body is telling me I’m not fine. I’m grinding my teeth, I’m tired all the time and I can’t sit still. I have been craving chocolate and found myself sitting in the car ramming pieces into my mouth like a mad woman. I didn’t even chew.
So yesterday I saw the councillor at the fertility centre. Turns out pretending your fine and hoping sadness will just go away doesn’t really do you much good. My stress levels are sky high.
She told me I need to give myself permission to grieve, to cry and to be angry. She told me to start small and just try 15 minutes a day reflecting on how I feel, to cry if I need to, if only for five minutes, and to treat myself to something I enjoy. Turns out this is harder than it sounds.
Everytime I try to think about how I feel I just sitting looking into space, but practise makes perfect so I’ll persivere.
I just need to stop telling everyone I’m bloody fine.